What i wrote 10 days after i got home...
"Life Sucks. Its as simple as that. I can easily say, the worst part in this whole process is coming home. Who ever said time makes everything easy, was clearly wrong. As each day passes it only makes the homesickness worse!
I feel bitter and angry towards pretty much everybody, even though I know its not their fault I came home, but also because know matter how much I could try to explain, they would and could not ever understand exactly how strange, and unsettling this process is.
Questions like "Are you relieved to be home", and statements such as "It must be nice to be home", leave me without a reply. How do i reply to that? These people clearly have never stepped out of their comfort zone, lived life, been on an adventure, tried something new, if their prospective on life is such that one could not find equal, or even more happiness away from their home country.
I must admit, I did realise how lucky I was to come from a country like NZ, but because of the good economic status, school system and health care. So then why, if we have such a great running country, are the people in Brazil 100000000 times happier, 100000 times more willing to help others, especially those who are in the lower income bracket.
I know that my year had massive ups and downs, but I fell in love with my host country, fell in love with people, and my classmates literally are the best people that I have ever met! I can't describe how it is, finding best friends on the other side of the world, and then having to say goodbye, without it being your choosing to leave, not knowing when you'll see them next.
I'm not saying I don't love my family in NZ, or enjoy hanging out with my friends who I haven't seen in a year, it is definitely amazing! I am so thankful for the people I have in my life in NZ.
However, a year away allowed me to find myself, find out what i was interested, be a little crazy, push the boundries. Because of that, I was able to surround myself with like minded people, people who shared the same interests and most importantly, knew me for who I am.
I also have a family over there, who I am so thankful and grateful for such an amazing year. I couldnt put it into words, I grew to love them. "
And i can't really say after now having been home for almost two months, that i feel any better about it. I often wonder what Im doing with my life,
Two of my flatmates lived overseas for many years and after a lot of discussions with them i realised just why its so much harder for me. A year is enough time to make all these connections i previously talked about yet not enough time to take them all in, experience them, enough time to feel satisfied and fulfilled by them. The way in which my flatmates came home was their choosing, they chose to, it was time to have a new change for them and start a new chapter in their lives.
I almost feel like someone snapped my exchange out of my hands just like you would an ice cream from a child. I wasn't ready to come home. I know that nobody wants to hear it but i didn't want to come, i still don't want to. I would drop everything just to go back right now.
Having lived at uni for two weeks, i feel homesick. But homesick for Brasil. And i think its going to take a very very very long time to feel at home in NZ again. But one thing i know for sure, is a part of me is always going to think of Brazil as my home. I know that one day i'll end up living there again, whether its forever i don't know, but nobody can keep me away. And as much as people keep thinking that i will 'just get over it', i won't, they can keep on thinking that, keep on judging, because that will just make me more determined,
and i will prove them wrong.
